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Roy Keane left Sunderland on Thursday, which is bad news for the Black Cats, but even worse news for his family. Firstly he’ll be around a lot more but, more importantly, how’s he going to afford any decent Christmas presents? The man needs to find a new job and fast. Here’s a look at alternative careers he, and other Premier League managers, might like to consider.

Roy Keane: Barber

Ok, so letting Roy Keane near your face with a cut-throat razor isn’t most people’s idea of fun. But the man clearly knows how to grow a beard – it’s thick but well-kempt and clinically trimmed to enhance his sharp features. Even the grey patch that has gathered around his chin works - he’s the kind of man who’d rather sever his arms with hair clippers than dye anything. All you need to do is sit back and try not to think of Sweeney Todd. All Keane needs to do is find himself a good sweeper.     

Watch Man Utd 1 Sunderland 0 from midnight, 8 December, Setanta Replay

Sir Alex Ferguson: Matron

Man Utd’s boss runs a tight ship, so he wouldn’t have any time for superbugs or patients who weren’t trying hard enough to get better. So if you’re a flesh-eating virus and the big Scot turns up on your ward watch out. More importantly, who doesn’t want to see Fergie in a nurse’s outfit?

Watch Tottenham v Man Utd live on Setanta Sports 1, 5:30pm, 13 December

Arsene Wenger: Pirate

Being attacked by pirates is no laughing matter, but it’d be slightly funnier if you noticed Wenger swinging from the rigging with a cutlass in his mouth shouting, “There be booty below them there decks” in a French accent. He’d bring a touch of class to the world of high seas larceny and there’s no one better at discovering footballing gems on distant shores, a talent which could come in handy.  

Watch Arsenal v Wigan from 10pm, 6 December

Harry Redknapp: Gold prospector

Harry has sifted through a lot of dirt in his time as a football manager but every now and again he comes across the odd piece of gold. All of which will stand him in good stead if he can find a time machine to transport him back to mid-19th century California. Which, let’s face it, is unlikely.

Watch West Ham v Tottenham live on Setanta Sports 1, 8pm, 8 December

Gareth Southgate: M&S store manager

Pin a little green badge on his lapel and Southgate wouldn’t be out of place at your local branch of the country’s favourite underwear vendor. He’d be polite but officious, a bit dull and a little too irritated when the trousers in menswear were in a mess. Despite his ambitions, he’d never make it to Selfridges.

Watch Man Utd v Middlesbrough live on Setanta Sports 1, 8pm, 29 December

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