GO WILD, everyone! The new series of The X Factor is winking on the horizon.
Many a hopeful will have queued for hours in the pouring rain – limbering up with some spectacular vocal runs, already mentally planning their victory parade during the episode where they get to go home and perform in a shopping centre. But sadly it doesn’t just take a stonking great voice to do well in The X Factor. Oh no. There’s so much more to it than that. Here’s a guide on how to win over your public once your lungs have got you to Boot Camp…
1. Invent a thrilling backstory
It’s no good turning up on NATIONAL TELEVISION with a boring anecdote in your pocket about how you just love singing, and that’s why you want to be a singer. Where’s the drama in that? The X Factor voters demand some kind of triumph over adversity. Remember Rebecca Ferguson last year explaining how she’d “completely lost her confidence”? Came back pretty quickly, didn’t it?
2. Want it but don’t, like, WANT it
The X Factor “axis of desire” is a blurry beast, and one of many stretches of choppy waters you’ll be forced to navigate. On the one hand, it’s fine to want to win if you’re Leona Lewis – because you’re so shy and sweet, and completely unassuming. But what if you happen to be Katie Waissel? Different story. If in doubt, act confused – as though nothing anyone says ever quite makes sense to you.
3. Be sure to have “a moment”
Everyone needs that “X Factor moment” – the one that would traditionally find Simon Cowell sitting back in his seat, slow hand clapping, before making some botched analogy based around ducklings becoming swans. So, in the early stages, hold back a little. Do just enough to get through. Then blow everyone’s minds by locating a note so high up the scales that it’s normally intended just for dogs to hear. Boom!
“Don’t turn up on NATIONAL TELEVISION with a boring anecdote about how you just love singing, and that’s why you want to be a singer”
4. Either be a bloke, or be BRILLIANT
In these modern times of absolute equality between the sexes, it’s a shame that society’s successful shift isn’t reflected in the list of X Factor winners. At last count, five of the seven victors were guys, just two of them girls. On the plus side, and perfectly befitting the old adage about quality being more important than quantity, the girls read: Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke. The guys include: Leon Jackson and Steve something. That Matt Cardle was pretty good, though.
5. Make sure you’re under 30
Ever since a 36-year-old Steve Brookstein somehow wooed the nation in 2004, the subsequent winners haven’t been quite so craggy faced and elderly. On the contrary, five of them have been 21 or younger, whilst Matt last year marginally upped the average age by hobbling in at 27. Ideally, you should be 21.
6. Don’t freak out if you don’t win
JLS, Olly Murs, Diana Vickers and Stacey Solomon have all made a celebrity splash regardless of the fact they didn’t win the thing. And Alexandra Burke had to return for a second chomp at the cherry to find her day in the sunshine. Don’t Stop. Believing… etc…
Could this be the path to reality TV stardom? If you think we’ve missed anything leave a comment below. And follow our TV, sport and film chit-chat at @tvfrombt on Twitter >
